Still With You
by PrincessBryana
Summary: As the Winter Soldier brawls with Captain America inside the falling Helicarrier, Bucky struggles with his own inner battle with himself. What was going on inside his head while Steve was trying to get through to him at the end of The Winter Soldier?


I screamed.

I tried getting away as soon as they began firing at the helicarrier, but before I knew it, a large skeletal structure of the ship fell over and pinned me down. I was stuck.

I grunted and clenched my teeth together as I mustered up all of my remaining strength into lifting the metal structure. I grew desperate when it didn't even budge. It was too heavy.

I needed to move. I already failed at stopping the helicarrier from being compromised, I couldn't afford to let the Soldier get away. I never failed a mission, and I wasn't going to start here. I swallowed hard and drew in more effort into lifting the heavy object.

I heard a heavy thud to my right.

I turned my head and watched as the Soldier struggled to stand.

No. I'm defenseless. My weapons are gone and my arms were pinned down. The Soldier will kill me if I don't get out of this metal trap. I can't fail!

I saw one last time as the Soldier staggered forward before a strong jolt from the carrier knocked him over.

I grunted and attempted to escape. The Soldier was weak. Hopefully his sloppy movements would give me enough time to-

My gun.

I turned my head around and my eyes frantically darted around the floor searching for the small object. It got knocked out of my hand when the structure pinned me down. And now that the Soldier was in range, I have the opportunity to penetrate a bullet through his skull...

I heard the strained grunt of effort at the exact same time I felt the heavy weight lift off my chest.

I gazed back at the Soldier. His teeth were clenched hard together, his veins viciously bulged out from his neck as he was straining to pick up the structure that pinned me.

My arm was freed first, then my body. I turned over and crawled out from underneath. The Soldier must of dropped the structure as I heard the loud metallic thud as soon I was free.

We were motionless. Only sound of our heavy breathing filled the air. As did the explosions from the carrier going on around us.

I struggled to my knees. I rolled my eyes and peered over at the Soldier through my hair blowing in my face.

He saved me...

_"No!" _I thought quickly._ "Do not give in. He's just another fighter who don't take the victory when when their enemy is at their weakest. He wants a fair fight. That's all."_

The Soldier was the first to break the silence.

"You know me."

His voice...

In the back of my mind sparked an extremely vivid memory of that sound. Like the familiarity of his voice was something I never grew tired of hearing...

_"That's impossible."_

"No I don't!" I shot my arm out as my fist connected with his jaw. He staggered back while my own balance was nearly knocked off from the swing as well. I looked over, hoping to see just another body unconscious on the floor. But the bastard was already standing again.

"Bucky..." he said breathlessly.

I know that name. I'm not supposed to, I've never heard it before in my life. I know I didn't. But as soon as he said it, why the hell did I just acknowledge it like a puppy?

"You've known me your whole life." he said.

My head began to pound. That name, coming out of his mouth, his voice...It sounded so natural. So normal.

_"Stop it." _I retorted back to myself._ "Pierce warned you about this Soldier trying to get in your head. Trying to mess with you, manipulate your thoughts. Do not let him."_

I swung again. He tumbled back. _"__Stop fighting, Soldier. Please stay down.._._"_

_"What the hell are you saying? The Winter Soldier does not plead nor beg. He fights to the death. Do not engage in his words. Do not engage!"_

Despite his disadvantage, seeing as he was even struggling to maintain his balance, the Soldier still had the nerve to piss me off.

"Your name..." he said, breathing hard. "Is James Buchanan Barnes-"

"Shut up!" I roared as I threw another blow to his face.

_"He's lying. Fluent lies. He's talking about another man."_

One I don't remember...

_"Snap out of it!"_

By the time I stood up straight and looked back at the Soldier, I noticed his helmet had gone missing.

My heart dropped.

Now that I look at him, I couldn't help but notice his blonde hair. I saw the shape of his eyebrows, his cheek bones, his eyes...

His eyes were blue. They looked unnaturally soft for a Soldier such as him.

But they have always been soft...

I knew his face. I've seen it before. Multiple times...

_"You saw him on another mission. Of course you know his face."_

I couldn't stop arguing with myself. I didn't know who's side I was on anymore. My thoughts, or my subconscious?

The Soldier swayed on his feet. He was barely clinging to consciousness.

"I'm not gonna fight you." He said.

I couldn't let my guard down and leave his eyes, but I was able notice the Soldier let go of the object he's been holding from the start. The object that protected him, from me.

A damning part of me silently wished he didn't drop his shield.

"You're my friend."

I paused and stared at him. That's absurd. A friend is supposed to be trusting and protective. That's not me. What kind of a friend are you if you're the one fighting him?

I'm hurting him.

_"His shield is gone. There's an opening!"_

I snapped back into reality, and like a raging bull seeing red, I roared and lunged at the Soldier. I hooked my arms around his body and tackled him with with full force. We landed near the edge of the carrier, there was water below us. I had him pinned down.

Something felt wrong when I grabbed him.

I didn't feel a small body like I expected. Not the usual small boy in my arms...

From Brooklyn.

_"Enough! Stop letting him get in your head! He is nothing but another assignment from Hydra. He is not your friend, He is not your friend!"_

"You're my mission." I growled. I was afraid that if he opened his mouth, I would start questioning myself again and keep me from completeing my assignment.

My breathing grew ragged. He was driving me crazy. I had to finish this.

I threw a hard punch at his face, as a result, his head swung back. He didn't fight it. I threw another blow, and another, and another...

The more punches I threw, the more his face was becoming unrecognizable. His cheek was getting swollen into a sickly yellow color. At mid punch, I felt his cheekbone shatter under my knuckles. I didn't feel the usual satisfaction I always felt when I internally damage my victims. My heart ached for this Soldiers suffering. It scared me.

That's why I didn't stop.

I don't know him. I don't know him. He is not my friend. He is not the small boy from Brooklyn. He was wrong. I am not his friend!

"You're." I swung.

"My." I punched him again.

"Mission!" I cried as I threw one more blow to his face. My breathing was heavy. I didn't know if I was talking directly to the Soldier anymore.

The Soldiers eyes began to flutter. He was struggling to stay awake. I drew my arm back, one more blow should finally deprive him from consciousness. Then I could complete this mission and never look back on this day ever again.

"Then finish it..."

My head began to pound furiously again at the sound of his low voice. It struck another nerve in my memory. The last time I heard a voice sound that low, was the time I found him nearly beaten to death by a group of bullies who left him there for fun. He sounded weak that night. I remember,

Because I knew him...

"Because I'm with you, till the end of the line..."

_"I know him."_

I slowly unclenched my fist and let my arm slowly drop. I stared at him in disbelief, my mouth grew dry as it remained agape. I couldn't find my voice to speak.

Because I saw him.

I really saw him.

His golden brown hair, his beautiful blue eyes, his voice...I really do know him. I've known him all my life.

We took care of each other, I remember never letting him go anywhere without his inhaler, I always begged him to stop trying to be a hero and to stop picking fights with guys much bigger than him. He always wanted to join the war, that only made my protective instincts grow. I remember seeing him again when he suddenly got bigger in size, when I fought along side him...

When I thought I would never see him again during that train incident...When I fell.

I remember only thinking about one thing as I was lying there, fading in and out of consciousness as the snow was furiously biting it's way through my coat and into my back, staring up at the falling snow that clung to my eyelashes.

_"Thank god it was me and not you..."_

I couldn't speak. So many memories and up roaring thoughts flooded into my head when I did nothing but stare at him.

Then I noticed his bruised cheek, his swollen eye. My vision blurred when my eyes suddenly flooded with tears that threatened to fall. He was hurt. He attempted at being a hero again.

How could I have let this happen?

_"Who hurt you this time...?"_ I thought desperately seeing as I still couldn't find my voice to speak._"They hurt you. they hurt me. I'll find them, and I will never let this happen again."_

Because I remember.

A loud metallic groaning sound brought me out of my thoughts and back to the situation at hand. We were still falling from the sky in the helicarrier. Everything around us was still collapsing, debris flew everywhere.

Before I had the time to react, a large piece of the interior structure fell right next to us and shattered the glass underneath.

In the exact second I was airborne, I quickly grabbed on to the ledge of the carrier and shot my arm out instinctively next to me. But I only grabbed air.

It was too late. By the time I looked down, he already disappeared under the sea green water. As I limply hung there, I darted my eyes around the surface of the water, hoping he would resurface.

He didn't.

I tried not to panic when I suddenly remembered how weak he was at the moment. How exhausted he looked after our fight. I may not know a whole lot about our past lives together yet, but I vaguely remember that he was never a good swimmer.

Before I let go of the ledge and dove in after him, I moistened my dry lips as I felt my throat unclogg from an invisible choke that refrained me from speaking beforehand. The first word I was able to conjure out since my memories came back. We're not at the end of the line yet.

"Steve!"

**o0o**

The water noisily sloshed around my legs as I shuffled over to the small shore. My metal hand held on to the strap of Steve's uniform while I slowly continued to drag him to land.

I would have carried him back properly if he was smaller and weighed ninety five pounds like he used too. And besides, after all that I've done.

I don't think he wants me near him.

My boots made an audible squishing sound when I stepped on dry land. I let go of Steve's strap and looked down at him. Strands of my hair mimicked the movement as I took notice of small droplets of water falling from the tips in my peripheral vision.

It was shorter then.

Steve was pale. That wasn't unnatural. With the many illnesses that he's had in the past, Steve would always look either pale or feverish, depending on what the sickness was.

He always worried me.

Steve remained motionless for a few seconds before he finally gurgled water out of his mouth, followed by a weak cough soon after. His eyes remained closed as he grew still again. My shoulders sagged in silent relief. He was unconscious, but he was breathing.

I turned on my heel and began to walk the other way.

_"Do not look back. Do not look back..."_

I was afraid to do so. Because if I did, I would of immediately run back to my best friend and squeeze him in my arms like I always did when we were far apart for a long period of time. I would of started to endlessly ramble on about how much I missed him, how sorry I was for causing so much damage, and continuously throw promises on how I will never leave him again.

_"But you cant." _I thought bitterly to myself as I shook my head. Strands of my wet hair clung to my face when I did so. "_You really believe he wants to see you? After what you did?"_

He must hate me.

I tried to kill him. He will never forgive me for that, and I don't blame him. I hurt him and everyone else he cared about.

Hm.

How agrivatingly ironic.

I always tried so hard to protect him from bullies beating him up on the school yard, and alleyways. I just never thought I had to protect him from myself this time.

_"You're a monster."_

I numbly placed a hand over my chest. My heart was aching. It hurts.

_"You deserve it."_

I'll disappear. I can't harm Steve if I'm gone. The only way to truly protect him from me is to get far away from him as much as possible. I have made up my mind.

I continued to slowly trudge along the shore. My heart burned with every aching step I drew away from him. He'll be safe from me, but...

I just lost him again.

I clenched my fist over my heart, my fingers clawed at the fabric as I did so.

I knew he was going to be okay on his own. He always managed to take care of himself. Steve always battled away every sickness that was thrown at him, and he never ran away from a fight, despite his obvious disadvantage with bullies twice his size. With his illnesses and frailty, I grew up believing that he needed me.

My vision blurred again when I came to the sudden realization.

My throat tightened as I squeezed my eyes shut. My chest was hurting. And for the first time in years, I let a quiet sob escape my lips.

Because it was me that needed him more...


End file.
